hey, before i get into this, i wanna say that
a few blogs ago, when i said
the gal's started calling me hon again
that didn't mean beth.
other gal entirely, thank you.
not that anyone was confused, but it's good to have things clear.

okay.
on with this.

today was dan's dad's funeral.
triste on many levels, it was.
it was in a really pretty (and huge) church
with a gigantic (and huge) pipe organ.

i think it was the only funeral i've seen that was
what a funeral says it's supposed to be.
a celebration of the person's life
rather than let's all get together and sob now.
i've only been to one other one though, i think.

beth cried again
i kinda wish i had
we were talking about that after the wake
see, what it is...
i feel bad for not feeling bad enough
but more than that, i'd kinda like to be that emotional.
as though i'm missing something by not being so
like i'm not a full-fledged person.

anyway, being as he'd been a cop, there was a piper and 21 gun salute.
not inside the church, no.
don't be ridiculous.

i kinda think we all shoulda gone up to get the eucharist
at least so beth wouldn't have had to go up alone
i was gonna ask if we were all going up, so i could get out of the way,
and let phil and beth out, but i ended up staying
i crushed my hat.
i was wringing it in my hands, i think in lieu of crying.
that term's worth a quarter!
ah well, i can only look to the fact that no matter what i do
i'm going to kick myself for something
not because it was wrong necessarily
but because i put too much pressure on myself
and i just won't stop it.

and the funny thing about it is, i still get nothing done
because the pressure is not anyplace productive
it just tells me i suck.

you know, when i do sitework
i do a bunch of it
prolly cause it builds up, eh?

beth and i had a conversation yesterday that phil wouldn't believe
had he heard it.
it was about how great phil is.
i think they're both great
together and as individuals.

and we all hope that the next time we meet
that it will be in a better environment

we all hugged dan again
and he us
it's nice to see, it really is.

i feel really bad about getting dirt in beth's mom's car.
i did knock the crud out of my shoes, i did i did.
but it was that damn soupy kind of there's dirt in the water stuff
i'm sorry.
noone's brought it up but i feel bad.
i hope beth doesn't get in trouble or anything.

as soon as i noticed, i kept my feet raised above the floor of the car for the rest of the ride home. over a plastic bag, which my feet woulda been on in the first place, but i was sitting on the opposite side of the car from it. i think i've grown way too slow at-
what's that thing?
oh yeah, thinking.

i can still recite a bunch of the stuff they do in church
i didn't and don't, i'm just saying i know it.

bleh.



...







(and huge)

oh, and before i go sleepies
i'd like to kinda apologize for the mammoth amount of cursing in the blog before last. i was pretty damn worked up about things. i'm a bit more calm now.
okay.
good night.

in another bit of bad news
my dear friend dan's dad died this tuesday.
i went to the wake tonight, and am going to the funeral tomorrow.
god, is everything just going bad for everyone?
well, even in the face of this, i can say that it's not *all* bad
only because phil and beth were the ones who took me to the wake
and were so much more than welcome that one couldn't help but smile
despite the circumstances of the meeting, which were just awful.

dan's mom was very happy to see them, and told them to take care of him
she referred to me as "you"
either she doesn't know my name, or doesn't feel like calling two people dan.
ah well, it really doesn't matter, i'm fine with being called "you"
it went really well, as much as it can go well at a wake.
i mean
i think that maybe
just maybe
i've got my gang back
but i don't wanna speak too early.

it was fantastic to watch them back together and all

we went out to eat afterward, me, phil, and beth did.
i have no money but some change left.
and the gal's started calling me hon again
what to do, what to do
when i don't have money for a phone card and
still don't really know what to think anymore

man, if it wasn't too late at night to play my accordion.
cause i'd really like to practice.

i'm making a hat
a link-ish hat
man, legend of zelda
what a damn good series of games.
i'm borrowing a crochet book from beth now
and a thing that has a pattern for a hat, which i think will be useful.

lack of super smash bros. at stores is a damn travesty
though i really don't have any money with which to pay for such a thing, anyway.

i should go to sleep soon.
i have to get up early tomorrow.
got a funeral to go to.

*sigh*
i still can't quite believe it. i mean, i *can* because obviously it's true, but...
open caskets are weird, cause they have the body painted up like it's still alive, and you think that any second, it's gonna sit up and go "ah, what a restful sleep... what's all this then?"
maybe it's just me.
and he only turned 50 not long ago too.
sarah and lauren are in california, and i don't think they know what's up.
i think i'll tell dan tomorrow, since all of us forgot today.

phil's finally going to the doctor for his stomach
and sweet fat jesus it is about time!
way to go, beth, ya done good.
they both did today
and i said so.

phil is damn skinny
tell all your friends
because it's true.
he is.

i'm pretty sure al left today
or yesterday.
i don't know.
i've been a bit caught up in other things, ya see.
and understandably so.

long blog
but it's been a while
and an eventful while at that
so i'm allowed

i'm allowed anyway.
but i think i'm gonna go to bed now.

dan is in a bad mood
well, sarah, lauren, al (lauren's boy from pennsylvania), and i went out last night.
i don't have much left for a phone card.
not a very worthwhile one, anyway.
that didn't bother me til today, when i actually got a shot of hope
that my darling still wants to be called that, which i'm still not sure of
and to be honest, i *had* given up hope, at least the majority of it.

anyway, i've got no idea what i'm doing in my life, and that,
at the very least
sucks.

eh, who am i kidding, i'm not going anywhere or doing anything.
you know what bothers me?
al knows lauren for what, is this the 4th week now? 5th?
and already, he's up here, and they'd be having tons of sex, if not for lauren's period
which i laugh heartily at her for.
meanwhile, i'm stuck here, lonely as fucking hell
without a stinkin clue as to how to feel or who to feel it for
all the time, my life's cold, bitter, lonely, end draws nearer
every damn breath.
i'm older than i've ever been
and now i'm even older
and now i'm older still
i should be friggin outta here, with a college education
a whole assload of money (or even just a wallet-full)
and my darlin's arms and/or legs wrapped around me.
but no, i get none of these things
and i don't know that it's anyone's fault but mine.
which bothers me more than any of these things.
maybe if i wasn't a waste of skin, i'd have at least one of those things.
fucking faa-crappin-stum-buh-frabba-mit-but-DAAAAAAAAGH!!!
and other noses of severe frustration.

also, not that this is so bothersome, but was odd,
al's not as... what's the word? impressive... as i thought he'd be.
he actually looks kinda like this creepy-looking kid i went to school with
who i thought-
"you know, if somebody's going to kill everyone here, i figure on that kid"
i'm not casting aspersions on him, he's nice, so far as i can tell,
it's just, i thought he'd be this very tall (i mean, he's taller than me and lauren, but he's not *that* tall), very handsome guy with like shoulder lenghth dreadlocks (though he even told me they were getting in his eye, so that's just foolish) and a square jaw, capable of growing a full beard.
a very quiet boy, he is. though i am too, but not so much around lauren and sarah.

another thing that bothers me goddammit-
the whole cheating thing described in erika's blog.
what the crappin crap!?
crappin-crem-fraggin-cruh-smen-*insert continued angry jibberish here*-grrrr-daaaaaaaah!
why?! why why why?!
and he's not sorry!
hate hate hate
seethe seethe seethe
why, when you've already got something wonderful,
would you ever mess with it, ever?
am i just not hip?
i hate people
(more specifically, scum like "adam", who we will call "adam"
because that is his name, and if you want to curse it, it's good to have the real name,
besides which, mostpeople change names to protect the innocent, which he is definitely not)

this guy just up and decides to cheat on his girlfriend
not with someone she doesn't know, but a friend
in her own house
while she's asleep
yes. i'll repeat it for those who are slow, dumb, ill-sighted, and anyone who couldn't friggin believe it the first time they read it, which is wholly understandable, considering the lack of respect, caring, or you know, any fucking basic human decency whatsoever that it entails.

it happened in her own house

while she was asleep

can you believe this bastard?!
he's- gah!
like, i'm sitting here, lonely as someone who is quite lonely indeed
and he completely ruins something that i would practically fucking die for
in the most tactless, disrespectful, just plain fucking awful way he coulda done so.
you don't get fucking two
just because the math works out that there's more women in the world than men
you don't fucking get fucking two
(except in those special 3-person relationships, which this was *not* one of)
no no no
i mean a thousand times no!
sit down when i'm talking to you, and shut your face
you lost your right to speak, adam
and you know, it guys like him what make the entire gender look bad
as if i don't have enough to contend with
what in the name of all things good and plenty were you thinking?!
and then i couldn't get a date to save my god damned life
which i think it must be, especially when shit like this goes down
kinda highlights it for me, as if it weren't noticible enough.
which is why i can add it to my fucking rant about this stupid bastard
who just disgusts me like a really disgusting thing
whatever happened to human decency?
i don't think it's all that much to ask that if you are fortunate enough to actually get yourself a girlfriend, that you treat her like the goddess you should see her as. or, you know, at least with some modicum of respect. if you can't do that, then you should break up, and *then* go see someone else, though i would certainly try as hard as i could to save it if that were possible. maybe that's just me now.
another thing that bugs me about this, is that it's this type of guy that gets all the fucking girls.
one way or another, it happens. they flock to the scum, they do.
why? i doubt that i shall ever know. i'd say it's a highschool girl thing,
but that's simply not true.
there is no longer any room in the world for a poetic heart
and so i, my dears, must obviously perish.
without an education
without a job
without anything to make any of it better
cold and alone, just like i've been saying for years.
i'm gonna go, but before i do, i'm gonna leave you with a message from michael jackson, back when he was black, and not half as weird and creepy (ie- the thriller days).

mama always told me, be careful what you do
don't go around breaking young girls' hearts

that's it, i'm outta here.
i can't do this anymore, end of fucking rant.
here's yer fucking smilie-
>_<