ooh! forgot!
heard okgo on the radio today
coming back from pawtucket
they're good
they opened for tmbg
and me, phil, and ian saw them alone
ok, not alone
with lost pilot and linus
we missed lost pilot
and linus sucked so we left
so it's like they were alone
when they were really in the middle

alright, that's all
later

epiphany last night
realized i don't have to leave
to grow up and all that crud
i can do it right here
it just depends on me

seems obvious, but it wasn't
told lauren my not-gonna-happen plan last night
(oh! and i forgot
the guy whose garage i'd be working
his name would be joe, and he'd be old
this was somehow important
and i forgot it)
she thought i wanted to get away from her
didn't talk for the rest of the night
but she talked to me this morning
and told me she loved me too
so i guess she's ok now

i hope so
didn't mean to send her into shock or anything
she just asked me what was wrong
and i told her stuff

might go out with dan tonight
see a show
some girl he knows
apparently has a great voice
hope i don't get lost in providence
and definitely hope i get out early enough
to get lauren on time
oh man
that'd suck
not only would i feel like shit
but i'd catch hell from lauren

i miss her so much
i mean, it's only a week of doubles
but she's gone for so long
and i just wish she was here with me
i need to get a job
so she won't work anymore overtime
and can stick around here with me
and i can hold her
and maybe her feet won't reek
because lately, she's been asking me to rub them
and they are stinky
which they wouldn't normally be

i mean, i wash my hands after rubbing da feet anyway
but now there's a stinky stinky reason to do so
oof!

^_^

been making movies
at digitalfilm.com
s'fun
cept i can't remember where any of them are
they tell you, but i didn't write it down
or send them to myself
or anything like that

they're all
so far
about a guy
whom everyone calls dicknose
and who wets himself in every movie
but i think i've run out of steam on that series
maybe i'll do others
but maybe i'm done

went to see an apartment today
by myself
it was in pawtucket
i don't know pawtucket
so i got lost
called the lady
she was also going to be late
but she gave me directions
i got lost again
but in the process
found the street i was supposed to be on
in the first place
according to my mapquest directions
then went from there
somehow found my way home
not exactly sure how that happened yet
but it obviously did
since i'm sitting here

so today the sky is blue
the rain has cleared up
and you know what?
i'm actually happy
i like rain, but it so happened
that the rain corresponded with my bad mood
but now i'm in a much better one
and i can see the sun getting brighter
(coming out from behind a cloud i guess)
out the window

alright, guess i'll go eat some sammich now
eating half of each
leaving the other half for lauren
and my dad gave me some money
otherwise, i wouldn't go out tonight
i'd just stay in until it was time to go

go get my baby
i love her
^_^

ok, i'll get out
before my sunshiny mood
makes everyone ill

later people ^_^

mapping out my plan
the one to leave
that i know i won't do
but have been thinking of nonetheless

this version has me driving out to like pennsylvania
and pulling up to a garage of some sort
and begging for a job there
and to be allowed to stay there in my car
i go, work til i've got $10,000
the original figure was $100,000
but that'd take more months than i'd want
and once i've got it, i come back
i will have learned to do something
so that maybe i can do it when i come back
i will have a good amount of money
for college, and other expenses
there was even a part about getting lauren a ring
though i don't think i'd do that part
if i went on with this plan
i doubt she'd say yes
and would probably leave me
though i'd take my phone and things
to stay in contact

ugh... putting myself right
would end up ruining my life
i'd get left by lauren
might be able to buy a place with the money
but money runs out
and i'd try to find a job
and probably get one
but who says it'd pay enough
i'd have to think of this ahead of time
oh jeez
now i'm planning for the aftermath
of a trip i doubt i'll ever end up taking
to change myself in ways
that might not even work

as soon as i am finished this
i'm gonna look for info on financial aid
so i can go to school
as of right now
i know nothing about it
hopefully that will change
might have to go to the high school to do it
ah well, maybe i'll see a few teachers i know
i could even ask mz. smith how to get into writing
i hear she writes for some feminist thing
from time to time
but then again, memory might not be serving

maybe i could be a teacher's assistant someplace
you know, if i get to go to school
and get certified for it
hmmm...

smokin on da night train
chewin on a jelly roll

i said smokin on da night train
chewin on a jelly roll

you shouldn't rob a bank without a plan
you shouldn't use your tongue to stop a fan

smokin on da night train
chewin on a jelly roll

alright
i got other shit to do
later

i need to be out doing something
everyday i go insane here
pointless applications left unfinished
i should finish them and turn them in
target already turned me down
rat bastards
how i hate them
borders and k.b. have never hired me
probably never will
running out of places that are new
i've applied almost everywhere
at one time or another
some more than once
and those that gave me a job
might not do it again
ugh

that's it
time to build a shack near a pond
i'm sick of this crap
and i'm sick of being sick of it
i mean, is there no way out?
do i have to be stuck
in a cycle of dead-end jobs
and unsuccessful employment seeking?

i should drive out far as i can get
get a job in a new place
with a new name
and just learn to fend for myself
i'm sick of this shit
feeling like a rat for mooching
being too hopeless to see another choice
leave a note for lauren, pack a little stuff
maybe take something of hers
so i'll have a reminder
and then just be off

i think maybe lauren felt this too
or is still feeling it from months ago
maybe we could all but disappear together
of course, having her around wouldn't help me
i'd just start mooching once she got a job
i think i'd have to go it alone
sometimes i think i was meant to
and that really blows

i gotta go get things done now
maybe i'll leave the bordom here
hopefully
cause i don't think it'll all fit in the car

later everyone

hey everyone
how's it going?

tonight i'm restless
7:54pm and already feel like the day is done
like i should be picking up lauren now
then heading to bed
end of day feeling too soon
still need to put a load of laundry in the dryer
go get some cigarettes
and pick up lauren at work at 11pm
which seems such a long way away
feels like an impossible wait
so here i am, trying to kill time
or rather find something to amuse me
til it's time to do stuff

agh, no mail
too many days without anything new to read
nobody wants to talk to me, it seems
and nobody's on aim, either
seems odd, somehow

visions of cody is so long
don't feel as though i'm even making a dent in it
i read some everyday, but the pages unread outnumber pages read
i'm happiest with a book when the opposite is true

listening to my gatorade make strange noises
not gatorade
water in a gatorade bottle
that i threw in the freezer to make it cold
and left it there too long
it's thawing out now
and every once in a while
will remind me that it's still there

meanwhile, so bored i could bang my head on the desk
minutes taking hours to tick by
go to 8:12, you bastard!
great big BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

think i'm gonna go do something
have no idea what, though
find something to drink
go outside
probably visit some websites geared towards bored people
i hear there are some pretty neat ones

later everyone

i like what i wrote about the billabong
that is my official critique
*stamps it with official critique stamp*

anyway, finished plutonian ode
now reading visions of cody
without realizing it
i made it the 3rd beat book in a row

wrote 2 songs
silly little things
randomly scribbled on scrap paper
the wrapper from a gauze pad
and a wendy's napkin, to be precise
i like em
not bad little things
perhaps more will come
i'd like that

i was out on the porch
gray evening, dull and not as cold as it was yesterday
bored out of my skull and feeling alone
had an impulse to play the accordion
but it was 8pm by then
too late to play a loud thing in an apartment
i doubt anyone woulda cared
but whatever
occupied my time by writing email anyway
still might head out someplace isolated and play
don't know exactly where or when
but before 10:15
which is about when i wanna get going
to pick up lauren at work
since we're down to one car now
hers kicked it, if i didn't mention
not kicked it
but she doesn't trust it to go far
so we've just been not using it

alright
i'm gonna go finish that mail now
later everyone