well, my hair is partially blue
dark dark blue
chris dyed his hair
and we did streaks of it in mine
it'd look better if it were red

lauren's being odd lately
i think she's just moody like at x-mas
in any case, it's scaring the hell out of me
cause that's when she asks fucked up questions
like whether i'm partly gay
or why i love her

first of all-
what?!

...that's pretty much it, actually

i hate when she gets like this
completely unaffectionate
and says about a million things that make me
think that she's about to leave me
or she's thinking about it
like the questions
and i ask what's wrong, and she doesn't know

meanwhile, i haven't been able to create anything
for the past couple months
cause i'm still on the "i need solitude for it" thing
and i get next to none of that
and finally i'm getting some
and nothing at all is coming out

and i think i'm going insane
maybe just having a nic fit
(more likely a combination of the two
when lauren gets moody, something in my brain
just breaks into tiny pieces)
cause i've been smoking a lot lately
and haven't in quite a while
i doubt lauren would do anything but laugh at the suggestion
but i think it's quite possible that i'm mildly addicted

urge to smash things rising...
wish i could do a comic or a song or something
wish lauren would return to normal

i'm learning bit by bit how to deal when she gets like this
or anything she gets like
sometimes it's hard
(i used to have a whole lot here about why and how
but i'm taking it out
makes the relationship look really horrific
because i was hitting the peak of my madness
and having a nic fit at the same time)
but that's only sometimes
and most of the time, she's the most wonderful thing
on this fucking planet

it all comes down to two things-

i love her and
she loves me

that's really all there is to it.

in other news, it's chris' birthday today
i bought him a derringer
don't worry, it's only a cap gun
(simpsons references abound with derringers
and i saw it in the store and it was just perfect
nearly got one for myself as well)
though knowing chris
he could prolly make it into a real derringer
given the right materials
then again, i think i probably could as well
at least i don't think it'd be too hard...

hmmm...

well, anyway, back to eating gummi worms
and trying to create some form of art

oh, and i'm considering maybe picking up the bass again
and becoming a nuggett
(as in, joining the dan, kevin, and tim thornton band)
maybe... until i'm fully able to write songs
and full able to play the accordion
then i'd probably just play bass lines on that
for the old tunes
and if i continue with the band on the accordion
probably make up some good music for it with them
but i, much like dan
will probably always ache for the old solo work
because there is nothing like creating something that's all you

i also need to beef up my resume
so that i may get a job
and pay for accordion lessons
for i need them oh so badly
i might do that after i publish

but maybe i'll just wait til later for that
anyway, going now
later everyone

happy new year.
it's 2002
the palindrome year.

ate fancy
then went driving
lauren and i cut out of the restaurant just after dessert
drove around with chris for a while
he brought some fireworks
but we couldn't find anyplace fit to set them off
save the ones he dropped out the car window

lauren and i had some sex
she's been having orgasms from it
which is new to her
(not orgasms, obviously, but
having them from sex, yes)
i'm all excited about that
it's really something, in my opinion
and she would plainly agree
takes it as a sort of sign that i'm right for her
you know, among all the others
she really is an amazing girl

i'm debating whether to put lauren and chris into my comic
i try to keep non-gang friends out of it, though
hence the no dan anymore
we don't hang often, and he's not in the gang
but maybe he'll show up in comics soon
he and chris have met, i donno if i mentioned
got along smashingly, i thought
both interesting guys
all my friends are pretty interesting, actually

there's turmoil among them
jess apparently is being ultra-pissy to all
lauren thinks it's cause jess didn't get be with me
and of course, the whole night with the jess bandwagon
she doesn't care for chris at all, i woudn't think
it's all added up to a really angry jess

today, ate at wright's farm
met my cousin danielle
she's a writer too, though we talked nothing of it
i think i managed to at least come off as funny

she's got a "friend" named lisa
i got an ambiguous vibe from them
though i really don't have any idea
if they are together, danielle has real loose standards
cause um, frankly, ew.
but she was nice enough, anyway
and hey, maybe the vibe i got was way way off.
doesn't really matter at all, either way.

i went to aunt judy's after
cause aunt alice said if i did, there was a chance
that i would get to see hayley
no such luck
she decided that she would bring no salad to her on the way
and so that was kind of dashed completely

um, that's about all i've got.
i'm gonna go try to make something
like a comic or something
haven't in a long while
it'll be nice if i can

and i have to see if my laundry's done
so i'll check all of you later.