i ripped up the note to lauren
seems like something better talked about
than left in a note, you know?

showered a while ago
had just gotten finished
when chris called
missed it, of course
because it's way too cold in here
to walk around any less than fully clothed
and fully dried
yet i still don't turn on the heat
i probably could, but i don't wanna
cost lauren too much money
she used to yell at al for leaving it on
though that was at bedtime
i think that eventually, i'll just put it on
cause she's gonna wanna be warm too

hungry
haven't eaten since this morning
even then, only a bagel and some coffee
suppose i could take one of these bananas
maybe i will soon
i think there may be one packet of ramen noodles left
al was talking about leaving it here
and perhaps i may partake in that goodness
lauren gets mad when people take things without asking though

i mean, i don't supposed it'd matter if there was
you know, any food besides that in the apartment
but damn, i'm hungry
and chris and i are both broke beyond belief
so the whole "going someplace to get food" idea is not happening
and that's probably the only chance i have for food
i mean, i'm used to not eating for long whiles
now that i've practically lived at lauren's for nearly a month
(i think it's been about that, anyway)

need to stop at home sometime
need to reply to the mail the model people sent me
cause then i can go to the interview with lauren
and maybe have a job looking at people
seems to have a little potential for wackiness
i value that about it
that and the potential to give me lots of money
cause right now, i wouldn't at all mind being able
to go out and get something to eat
i think i might call chris soon
see if there's any possibility of getting food
and hopefully lauren will call and i can ask about food
though she'll be hungry when she gets home
and i don't know what she'll eat if i eat her food
maybe she'll call and...

one phone call later...

alright
i need to talk to lauren
cause i wanna go to a fancy ass restaurant
for new years, as my dad has brought up
an opportunity to do so

anyway, i found food
there's pasta
and i'm gonna try to make sauce
out of sour cream and uh
probably something else
but there is some sauce around
so i may just eat that
the ricotta chese in the fridge was moldy
so i tossed it in the trash

i'll tell her later
for now, i'm busy getting used to cooking on a gas stove
and thinking of what the bloody hell to do for a sauce
cause i got barely any idea
and i don't know how good the sour cream is
it smells ok, though, so i might use it

tried it, it's light, so it tastes funny
but it doesn't taste like it's bad
still might not use it
no idea what i'm gonna do
anyway, time to go continue cooking
i'm gonna stay in the kitchen this time

later

so al's gone.
went back to pennsylvania today.

just about to shower
haven't yet today, you see.
prolly call chris after that
see if he wants to do anything

i read some of a diary thing of lauren's
feel kinda bad about it
worry that i may have crossed a bad line
so i wrote her a note letting her know what i did
and why, plus some x-mas gift ideas
cause she was looking for them
i worry, but she was reading from it the other night
so maybe she won't mind
but then, she did stop reading a couple times
and i think i may have read one of those pages
i only read the stuff on 3 pages
the first one, one from the middle and the last one
nothing too shocking on any of them
though she seemed to think
that anyone who read it would be scared out of their wits

as i mentioned in the note i wrote her-
"not a lot scares me that isn't irrationally spawned in my mind."

anyway, i didn't actually seek it out to read it
but when i found it, i was curious as to why i'd be scared
so i read a little of it
what i was doing there in the first place was preparing to write things
a note to her about the gift ideas, and possibly a part of a play
about the first time we kissed

it's horribly cold in here
horribly cold
i should turn on the heat
but i don't feel it's my place
being as lauren has to pay for it
and i can deal with it until i leave
which will hopefully be soon after i've showered
that is, if chris isn't working today

my car's at the house now
chris put the donut on for me
and i took it home

so anyway, onto tales of yesterday
yesterday was al's last full day in rhode island
so we took him all around to places he didn't get to
in all the time he was here
we didn't even do such a good job
we tried to go to provincetown and random cape cod places
but that failed miserably
(this is when it was only lauren, jess, al, and i
chris joined us later)
then we went to ye olde english for fish and chips
well, more to see if they had clam cakes, which is a big fat no
then we went to la salette
(a christian shrine thing, no real reason to be there
except they have a really elaborate set of x-mas lights).
lauren yelled at me and al
cause we were making light of the foibles of christianity.
mostly because she didn't want us to be beaten
but i knew that was a risk before i said anything

personally, i was trying to make my friends and myself laugh
if someone hears and is mad, so be it
but that wasn't my intention
the intention of al quietly chanting satan
was probably the same, but i can't be sure
it's more subversive than anything i said, in a way
of course, in other ways, what i said may have been worse
because not so obvious and simple as chanting satan
but i can't remember what i said

it's not that i don't respect other people's rights
to believe what they want
if god's what you're into, who am i to stop you?
in fact, some people there were right friendly
and i was friendly right back
friendliness has nothing to do with religion anyway
just being nice to people
but i'm not gonna stop speaking my mind
or saying anything good and funny that may come to it
(in conversation among friends of similar beliefs, no less
and hell, i wouldn't have minded if i overheard some people
walking nearby us praying or anything, it's just reasonable)
just on the chance that someone might hear
and not like what i said

there was too much noise for anyone outside our little group
to hear anything we said very well anyway
and even if by chance i nearby child heard and understood
anything that i said
(highly unlikely, as i deal in big words,
obscure references, inside jokes,
and big time sarcasm)
what would that do?
either make them think i'm bad
or make them think period
and what the hell's wrong with that?

anyway, then chris came along
and we went to point judith
to see the lighthouse
and we saw one
which lauren said was the wrong one
because we couldn't just go up to it
and we never did find the right one

then we went to bickford's
jess got all pissy
cause she's friends with a kid
that none of us like
because he's evil and manipulative
i tried to break the icy silence with a story
one i had to make up on the spot

i put it up as lauren's away message today
it goes something like-
i was walking down the street the other day
and there was this guy standing in my way
beside those orange trash can-looking things
saying "you can't walk there, we just paved it!"

so i shot him
walked home
and ate a sandwich

everyone but jess laughed
she just kinda made a face at it
like "it was kinda funny... but what the fuck!?
and anyway, i'm pissed off!"
lauren went to the bathroom
and we started talking about humoring al
and al said something about getting on the
humoring al bandwagon
and jess said
"what about the humoring jess bandwagon!?"
(hilarious, eh? moreso in her more nasaly than usual
and incredibly high whiny "jess is angry" voice)
and then ranted about the cripple, and how she's his friend
but to be fair, noone exactly told her why we don't like him
you'd have to read the conversations and stuff to believe it
hopefully, jess will sometime soon
and then she'll stop liking him too

don't get me wrong
i like jess
she's a cool chick

anyway, chris tried to explain a little
and calm her down
but it didn't really work
she probably still thinks that anything we said
was grossly unsubstantiated

we dropped jess off at her house
came back to the apartment
and watched ren and stimpy
which was more than awesome
though they cut way too many things out
and the show/commercial ratio is way the fuck off

i'm gonna go now
not really too much else is left to say
and i need to both pee and shower
so it's to the bathroom
where i'll take care of both of those things

later everyone.

well, another night with not a lot to do
well, afternoon, just now
but it will be night eventually
chris gets out of work around 10
then he's gonna come change my tire
not that i don't know how
because i do
it's one of the few car things
that i actually know how to fix
but uh, i really don't feel like it
and i don't need my car just yet
so fuck it for now

anyway, he's supposed to be
hanging with other people tonight
i'm sure i could come along
but lauren doesn't wanna see one of them
not that she won't be at work
but it always does end up at her place anyway

she's working at a new house today
needed to get directions to it
but her computer was being crappy
so she had chris do it and send them to her

i woke up really late today
like, not that lauren and i don't usually
but she stayed up the first time
and i just stayed in bed
but hey, i got sleep
except i feel kinda bad for some reason
like, we sleep together
and we get up together
and i just didn't
but besides that, i feel like a lazy bastard
but then, this is all just me being silly
at least that's what i think of it

you know, it's a gift and a curse
that lauren and i didn't hook up when she first wanted to
this was a long time ago
cause while it would have saved both of us some trouble
i wouldn't have been so close to her before this
or, as i put it last night
i wouldn't have been her boy
before i became her boy
which is as precious to me now as ever it was
i love my girl
then and now

i think i'll write her a mail
later