haven't made it to the mall yet
and there's a recent apparent
lack or failure of the assertiveness
tonight we were trying to find someone
and to have a better chance of doing so
me and chris had to go talk to people
i ended up forcing him to do all the talking
not that he wanted to
i just wanted to less
better, cause he knows whitney better
and she's who we were trying to find
lauren was driving my car
and some guy whose name i forget was there too

lack of assertion, or simple shyness?
well, not so simple shyness
deep, overt shyness, really
i'm still guessing shyness
cause i will go to the mall sometime
the past few days it's been so dark here
like, in the mid-afternoon
that i haven't felt like going
like it was too late or something
not that i couldn't by all reason
but hey, no big deal
not like it's leaving or anything

so i'm still up from that
only got in at like 5, maybe a little earlier
i can't really remember
no matter, really

i didn't miss cowboy bebop
and i was out at midnight
through the marvel of video tape
which is to say, i taped it
which i will now do with buffy
should i ever remember to even watch it
which is such a bastard that i can't even tell you about it
like, i'll just forget what day it is
or fall the hell asleep
which is not as big a bastard
cause it's not like i'm awake
and hey, i get sleep
but missing it through such idiocy as
not remembering what night it is til it's too late
that's bad
so i'll find a way to set the vcr for that
and it'll all be cool
and maybe eventually i'll stop missing it
in the first place
i've had bad luck with that lately
nearly stayed home cause of it today
til lauren brought up the tape
which i'm borrowing from her
eventually, i'll just buy it
like with tenchi

maybe i'll get that done today
need to air out the car anyway
there's been smoking in it
not like we didn't open windows
but just to be sure
cause smoke is not a smell to have in the car
you know what i mean?

anyway, i'm done for now
later

hey there everybody
if i manage to finish this in time
i'm gonna go catch the end of dark shadows
or maybe i'll just break from this
and go watch while lauren's not saying anything

anyway, newfound assertiveness
may come from being 20
more likely comes from
tenchi being really really important to me
and me buying the first two volumes
of the first series
and the first volume
having this weird crackling noise

i thought maybe i'd damaged my speakers from the
playing direct form brooklyn really loud on my tv
while i was playing accordion on my birthday
but i just watched the second volume, and it's fine
so i'm guessing that ain't the trouble
so i'm gonna test the first tape and a couple other things
make sure everything's the way i think
because if it is, i'm going to the mall
and exchanging the first tape for a new one
and hoping that one turns out better than the last

maybe the assertiveness is from both
i've had an adult-feeling streak of not wanting to take shit
ever since my birthday
like, before, i was some teenager
but now there's no more of that
and noone's gonna treat me like less than them
not that i'm some haughty prick now
of course not
just less prone to roll over for jerks
you know how it is
hopefully, this attitude will be around
when i actually need it
should that ever happen
which one hopes against
but then, i always *wanted* to say something
but i feel like now i'd say something where
before i wouldn't

i likes ryoko
a lot
i was thinking that watching the tapes today
thinking "i love ryoko"
cause she's such a great character
and it's nice to get more accurate translations
and a good number of scenes cut out of the cartoon network version

anyway, i have to go test the tapes
and possibly go to the mall
i have a cardy thing for suncoast
cause that's where i end up getting my anime half the time
anyway, i figure if i get a job
i can buy lots of anime
and with the card, i'll get $5 certificates all ovet the place
and can buy more
though i'd really like to crack open that place on thayer street
cause it's an anime store
and i should be able to find something really good there
better than what i'm finding now
but anyhow, i don't know where thayer is
or how to get there
so i'm stuck as far as that goes
so that'll have to wait until i and my car are ready
to take on providence
and i'll have to get really confident for that

right now, though
i'm really tired
and i have to go on a cruise this afternoon
because people backed out of
my mom's early birthday celebration
so i have to fill in
which puts a cap on the time i can spend not being home
to sometime before 4pm
i was thinking of calling phil
except if he's working
and i'd be willing to bet he is
he's not gonna be home til after 4
which means none of the whole getting coffee thing
is gonna be happening
ah well
i think i'll get guitar strings while i'm out
that is, if i go out
if not, no big deal

i'd sure like to get coffee with phil though
partly because i feel like i'll be needing it to stay awake
because 4pm is a damn long way away
and i'm feeling tired now
and i have stuff to do that means i can't go to sleep
and that sucks, but that's life
maybe i'll sneak in some sleep in between things
like after the mall, but before changing for the cruise
something like that
if i go to the mall
which i think i'll end up doing
but i should *really* get going now
i've spent enough time here as it is
so i guess that's all
later

hey
s'my birfday today
i'm now 20
go me, huh?

here's the deal-
i didn't get to sleep much last night
i mean, i did, slept right through cowboy bebop
which i really didn't want to do
woke up at 2:34am
couldn't get back to the sleeping
suck!
so now it's the afternoon
and one of those ones where
i know i'm going to fall asleep on the couch
which i'm going to go to now
because i'm missing digimon
and if i'm gonna do that
i may as well be sleeping through it

i think i accordioned too much today
i did, wait, lemme think
i did mink car
everything on direct from brooklyn
and state songs
plus the little bits and pieces of things
that i played before deciding to do all that
granted, i don't know how to play the accordion
but that doesn't make it any less tiring
not that i really mind, cause i love my accordion

anyway, off to digimon
later.

hey everyone
guess who's awake still
well, there was a short break in that
sometime yesterday afternoon
eh, didn't do all *that* much with the time
but i did get at least one comic done
and i went to cvs and wal-mart in search of
left-over halloween stuff
no luck, in either place
unless you want nothing or kids' costumes
respectively

but i went to phil and ian's party
and it was great
watched some movies
arrived really late
an hour
not *that* late, but late
mostly because of costume trouble
i went as an old man
which took me a long while to decide on
and then i lost the glasses for it
which i had to spend a while searching for
but i found the place with relatively little trouble
nice, cause that was my biggest concern
i missed the street that i was to park on
and then missed what few spaces were left there
and parked on a side street
then forgot the house number
and had to walk all the way back to my car
which was a ways away
but you know what, it's all good
i'm totally fine with the whole thing
cause now i know how to get there and back
so i can hang with phil and ian more often
sarah slept there, beth left, kristina left
i left too, obviously
though i would have stayed there
were i drunk or tired enough
to not want to drive

which i'm apparently pretty good at
we'll see about when i'm not alone
cause that's when i get in trouble
but i was doing really well tonight
on the way home
i wasn't sure what was going on
and i missed the street i was supposed to turn into
but it's tricky
cause there's a sign with a street right next to it
and it's not that street that you take
it's another one near it
you have to kinda look for the stores on that street
cause that'll tell you it's the right way to go
as if you cared or needed to know

i was blasting tmbg
all the way home
singing along quite loudly
and my ears were ringing i noticed
i have a pretty good sound system, it seems

everyone liked the comics
sarah didn't read them all
too drunk
she was there quite well before me
as was everyone but kristina
and sarah's friends that didn't show up
damn costume trouble
i woulda been much earlier, if not for that
it's true

still no reply from bob
must be extra busy
ah well
no huge bother
and there'll be a reply eventually

i'm getting tired
i wasn't when i got in
which wasn't really all that long ago
perhaps i'll go to bed sooner than i thought

sarah was dressed as a flapper
and it was a really accurate costume
especially the dress
and she even had a cigarette holder
except she doesn't smoke
so i ended up with the rest of her cigarettes
cause i thought it would take me much longer to get home
and that i would have music quiet enough to open windows
but neither of those thigns turned out
so they're still around

there's one tire that really needs replacing
cause it doesn't keep air in it very long
like, my dad refilled it maybe day before yesterday
and it needs more already
i almost didn't trust it to stay inflated enough to get to phil's
i'm sure it did, but i didn't check
and i've got plenty of gas left
not that i'll be driving it til the tire's replaced
i could just put air in it
but my dad mentioned getting it done monday
and where the hell do i have to go til then, right?

this is gettin me to thinking of moving out
i could get in on the lauren/chris apartment
as is planned anyway
but living with lauren
i see her enough anyway
and even then need a break sometimes
though if i drive as much as i'd like to
it'll be really easy to get away
but then, living alone...
hm... no, cause no job i'd have
would give me enough money
and then where's the time to spend there
be at work all the time
that's no good
i'll get out eventually
i was just thinking how neat it is
to be able to smoke in their apartment
just open and free
reminds me of the hotel rooms in montreal
the first one, we weren't even supposed to
but there was an ashtray there
so screw them

man, yesterday
as it is officially sunday now
was a really good day

and tomorrow
is my birthday
good night
^_^