so yeah
how is everybody?

i beat the dungeon i was on in zelda this morning
so that was good
got paid today
made sure i got the day off on the 2nd
my paycheck wasn't as low as i thought it would be
but i didn't even break a hundred
so it's really not all that great
don't start dancing of anything
but yeah, it was thirty bucks higher than i thought
not bad

no gamecube this month
lauren says maybe next month or the one after
which is ok
cause i gots gigantic to go see
that hardly costs anything
so maybe i can go buy fear and loathing on dvd
or something like that

but maybe not
lauren wants to go see the powerpuff girls movie
and so do i
so maybe that'll be where that money goes
i won't mind
sounds like a damn good movie

as does gigantic
which i am very happy to be able to go see
and since there's talk of going to see it a lot
if it's good, which i hear it is
maybe lauren will go once
she's invited, if she wants, anyway
i'll just make sure we don't take the train that day
cause lauren couldn't handle being on a train

i can't find the next level in zelda
where the hell are these ruins supposed to be?
i mean, i know they're in the northwest
they tell you that
but i can't find the way there to save my life, apparently

i think i'll clean a little
then maybe go to my parents' for food
possibly do some laundry
i'm not entirely sure what i'm doing today
but i think it should include reading
cause otherwise, i'll never finish dubliners
and i don't like reading one book til i'm done with the last
unless i need a break from the first one
in which case, why not?

and i might read the story in the paper today
about the asteroid on a collision course with something
i'm pretty sure it's the earth, since it looks like earth
but mostly dubliners
so then i can figure out what to read after dubliners
not that it's not a good book
i'm just this way about some books
like, the ones that take me forever
i try to get them out of the way
and move on to the next book

anyway, i'm gonna go
later people.

the previous post: an afterthought

the terms "dreamer" and "dream"
while cheesy in one way, are appropriate for the situation
however, if you'd like, you can replace them with these words-
"aspirator" and "aspiration"
i'm not sure that first one is a word
and anyway, if you always replaced dream with aspiration
you'd probably be saying you had a strange aspiration last night

oh yeah...
i know about that.
i also know about that freckle you-know-where.

ok, not really.
but i had you going, didn't i?

anyway, lauren has her own aspirations
they're those of people older than us
but then again, she's got her reasons for being so grown up
and she's not ALWAYS serious, of course
nobody is that i know of
i love that girl
i hope she does open her center sometime
it'd be great

oop, here she is.
later people :)

oh, i thought i should clear this up
when i said great idea in the last post
i was being sarcastic
i mean, it's not that big a deal
to have no armpit hair
but uh, it is kinda weird

anyway, on to what this post is actually about
i can't work on the 2nd of august
because that is when i am going to boston
to the museum of fine arts which is in that city
all to see GIGANTIC (a tale of two johns)
which is the tmbg documentary
which i have been dying to see
and own, but that will come later

only thing is, since it is the 2nd
i might have to not get a gamecube right away
(as if it'd be right away, i've been talking about it forever)
so i can pay the $9 to go see it
oh man, would i love to go
and phil has no plans that day
i know, cause i called him
we set it up, or at least entered this stage of planning

i'd invite lauren
but uh, she doesn't like tmbg
which really sucks for me
i mean, beth likes them at least a little
though she goes to shows mostly for phil
but lauren ain't that type
lauren probably won't even share in my excitement
when i tell her i'm going
she'll probably be all
"that's nice"
maybe roll her eyes or something
come to think of it
lauren can be kind of a mood kill that way

like when i told her about touching linnell's accordion case
she called the whole ordeal gay
and some time early in our relationship she said
"we really need to get you something other than they might be giants"
granted, most of my shirts and my wallet and various things
say they might be giants on them
and that's why she said that
but i mean, AH!

of course, there's really not much i don't listen to
so there isn't much to compare it to
perhaps kris delmhorst
i kinda like a couple of her songs
but the rest i can do without

and bikini kill
i like punk
and i've come to like them better recently
because they finally sound like punk to me
(before, they didn't, they just sounded like crap
i think it's cause whoever recorded it
did a bad job
so you can't hear the music
unless you listen close
which i have been the last few times i heard them
and liked them better)
but as with anything feminist
i hate being hit over the head with it
alright, you're a feminist
i get it, and i agree with you
go be heavy-handed elsewhere
it's all "revolution" this
or "hey, did we mention we're lesbians" that
blah blah blah

but, and since i know
lauren's gonna read this and be pissed
lemme just say this-
I LOVE ERIN MCKEOWN!
she's utterly wonderful
she's subtle, smart, and her music
spans a whole range of styles
folk, jazz, rock, even country
(this is all just the stuff i've heard
i've read about there being some dancy electronic stuff too
but i wouldn't know anything about it)
and her voice is amazing
i can't say enough good things about her

i'm much that way about they might be giants
they're utterly wonderful
i won't go on with the description
i have a feeling it would take hours
and thousands of words anyway
i just love them, that's all there is to it

and as for another band that lauren likes that i do
the queers
good punk music
but i could go on about bands we have in common all day
because there are that many
it's much easier to spot where we differ

which is why i was thinking of taking her to gigantic in the first place
because the reviews i've read say
that non-fans would like it
because it doesn't focus on them as musicians
but as friends, as they have been since junior high school
i doubt it would do me any good, though
depressing
if i did take her
she'd prolly just say something
like "this is gay" or "this is retarded"
or some other thing like that
and then i'd get really really mad at her
and i don't feel like going through it

the band means too much to me
to have the night ruined by me and lauren fighting
and lauren means too much to me
to put her in a position i know will be disaster
though there's the paradox
cause i'd like to have her in on the tmbg thing
cause i love her and all
and then we could go to shows together

now, i get complaints that i didn't invite her
to a show she has no interest in going to
which i know, and therefore don't bother
plus, she's all iffy on hanging with beth
and sarah is always way into shows
so there's be no sitting back talking with her
and phil is the quiet observer of the show
until he claps
so i guess that one's out
and i'm just as into the shows as sarah
so i'd be no help either

whereas if lauren were into them just a little
she could sit there and hang with beth
because they'd be in just about the same place
and she could join in when we start making fun of people
and she'd be in comics
which she still isn't
though we've been dating since november
(i'm trying to sqeeze her into a storyline, though
the turtle lou thing)

on the other hand, it's not like i haven't gotten her into anything
like tenchi or zelda
but this one ain't as easy as that
not at all

you know
i thought tonight
it's hard to be a dreamer
or to hope things
or be creative
when you're dating lauren
she's too serious
too angry
too "i'm much too mature for that/
you should act like an adult/
blah blah blah blah blah"
first, she's younger than me
second, adults don't have to be stuffy, funless drones
bent on nothing but working and paying rent
adults can be anything
granted, one must be responsible and pay rent
and all those other things, but that's not life
not a way to live at all
there is no reason to ever stop going after your dream
unless you have some kind of murderous or otherwise wrong dream
no reason to ever stop having fun

i know the things i was built to do
and i'm going to do them someday
and it'll pay off
no matter what, i'm gonna get it done
it'd just be nice to get some support there

though
if i'm right
i've probably judged too quickly
which is easy with lauren
because she doesn't say things until pressed
like olives are pressed
like, only after i blogged about
how she'll control everything in our future house
did she tell me i can do whatever i want
(of course, as i said somewhere, and i think it was here
she was thinking mansion
and i was thinking the slightly bigger apartment we'll get
someday, when there's money for it)
apparently, though, i can't raise kittens
cause lauren is allergic to them
ah well, wasn't planning on doing that anyway

*calls up kitten vendor, cancels order*

later everyone :)

update-
lauren had the great idea to put nair in my armpits
it worked for the most part, but i've got some hair left

in oracle of seasons today, i made it to the 5th temple boss
this one seems easy enough
seems
see, you use this magnetic glove to move a big spikey ball
big spikey balls aren't good on steering
and then, after you hit it enough
it smashes into a buncha pieces which run around
and then ya gotta kill them
sounds simple enough
but in their running around they run into you
thus causing you damage
and that's where the tricky part is
hitting them without getting hit
that, and the fact that they get back together
and you've gotta start the whole process over

come to think of it, the last boss was tricky too
giant crab
had to cut off it's attacking claw
which meant getting close enough for it to run into you
and then you had to shoot fire seeds at it
while it was busy spraying tiny creatures from it's mouth

i think i just need to practice moving the spikey ball
and get less hurt doing that
then evade the little runny things a bit better
and hit them more
i should be able to finish the temple within the next couple days

dubliners however, not going as fast
but i'm still maybe a little more than halfway through
so that's not bad
good book, you should read it

gonna check my mail
not just now, a little later
maybe after i poop
which will be after this

see if bob wrote back yet
writing a reply to him would be something to do today
and right now, i've not really got anything to do
so that'd be good

oh, and i gotta mail a thing out for lauren
who, by the way, applied me for a credit card
we doubt i'll get it
i just hope tha if i do
she doesn't run my credit rating into the ground
because i'm the only one here
who still has good credit
so it's kinda settled that if she does anything
she's paying it off
just like if i do anything, i'm paying it off
but i won't do much besides get rid of it
after she does whatever she's going to do
i don't trust credit cards
(and with good reason
lauren owes a lot of money on her 2 cards
and her credit is in the toile)t
only thing i think they'd ever be good for
is buying stuff online
like e-dna merchandise
or various other merchandise to be found online

well, anyway
i'll talk to you later, folks.
bye for now.

so today lauren is trying nair
i bought a 2 pack of razors, just in case
well, that, and i needed razors

checking my mail, too
gonna see if bob wrote back yet
possibly

not yet, i guess.
nothing new in the old inbox just now
soon enough though
that's my guess

brought some sprite home from the house
maybe 6 cans
not too bad
something to drink besides woonsocket tap water

i might get a gamecube soon
lauren is deciding whether the time is right
she's gonna look at bills and junk
and then decide
but i figure
she's getting like 1200 bucks today
and i'm getting some amount of money tomorrow

THIS JUST IN-
THE NAIR WORKED PRETTY GOOD!
HOORAY!

yeah, so i don't know exactly how much i'll have
minimum would give me 60-something after taxes
i hate taxes
and i hate minimum wage
which is what i get
if i don't sell enough to make minimum wage
(and then have to pay back the difference if i make more
as i have previously explained)
what a shitty deal
i think there are goals printed on the schedule
like, you gotta make so much a day
and i know i didn't make it sunday
but i think i made up for that on tuesday
(tuesday wasn't such a bad day at work
they found my name tag
and i sold a bit over $1400)
now, it just remains to see how saturday fares
and i'm hoping i'll get another thousand then
which will mean a decent check
and a gamecube
if not... uh...
stale pizza crust

i know i'm getting the $60-something this week
i know it
because they have way too many people working it
it's so rare now to get only 2 people working
and that's the only reason i made as much as i did tuesday
that and there were actualy customers in the store
which never ever happens
i complain a lot about how many people they've got there
and that stupid weasely rat-bastard who steals everyone's sales
i know this
but it really bears repeating
people in that department used to make on average $8 an hour
which was exactly what i was getting before
when i coulda bought a gamecube with one check
(this isn't about gamecube, it's about being fucked over
the mention of gamecube is just to demonstrate
how much i was making
as opposed to how much i am now)
now... piss

alright, time to go for a drive with lauren
later people.

alright, this's been cooking for a little while now
i keep forgetting to mention it
but if you play gameboy zelda
and old school zelda for a while
and then play one of the n64 zeldas
you really notice how amazingly amazing they are
i did it recently, and man, the difference is staggering
they're just beautiful games
and i want gamecube so when the new zelda comes out, i can buy it
and see how pretty it is
and play it for a long time until i've finished it
mmmmmmm. zelda.

anyway, i guess lauren siad i wasn't supposed to post
about her not wanting to hang with chris
i guess not so much because she doesn't want to
because we're friends and all
she just probably that day wouldn't have been able to stop herself
from saying whatever it was that whitney said
and she said he'd read it and get bitchy or something
which i kinda doubt
i think he'd prolly just be like "eh, whatever"
and at most just say how it's not a serious thing between him and whit
(uh-huh. i believe that.)
and whatever she did, he wouldn't get mad or something like that
which is probably how he thinks of it
but he's all ass over tit about whitney
and doesn't believe she'd lie to him
lauren says she always lies to everyone
and i'm more in the middle
i think there isn't anyone she won't lie to
but i think just by law of averages
she's gotta tell the truth SOMETIME
i mean, really
of course, she can't pull anything on lauren
because lauren sees through it

of course, i think it mostly just applies to people
who want to fuck whitney, or vice versa

i mostly just spit stuff here
like really honest stuff
which is ok, cause noone reads it
except maybe me and lauren
and whatever listee was paying attention the day i mentioned
i was writing in here again
if they read it in the first place
so really, i don't see a problem
and even if everyone invloved read it
i don't think it really matters
life happens, and i'm gonna spew truth
or at least the way i see things
plus, this is my blog
the place where i write out the goings-on of my life
and the goings-on in my head
and maybe somebody will read it and like it
that's the point of personal blogs
some, though post their poetry
or have group blogs which act as discussion boards
and that's all fine and good as well

and i doubt chris would be bothered
i mean, he knows i think he should be on his toes
and he knows i'll listen to him no matter what
and he'll listen to me
and if we have a difference of opinion
we just leave it at that
like if i smell disaster
i say be on your toes
and he says it's not serious
so no matter what happens, he'll be cool
(which is just blind love talking, i think)
and more times than not, i guess it'll come out to
alright, but just keep a sharp eye
and that'll be that
whether either of us heed what the other says
we at least listen

and he said he appreciates that i listen to his crazy talking
which is nice
but i guess i'm returning the favor
cause i talk crazy sometimes too
like we get in-depth about strange things
like the other day, we likened seti or something
to using a cb next to a radio tower
because we're next to the sun
and it gives off all kind of zany things
before that, we were on how there's a lot of strange power
to be found in the human brain
a lot more than most are tapped into
and i think with work, you could get all of it working
and just do really amazing things
blah blah blah

so...
i've got about 2 hours before work
blah
work
my last day
when i finally leave sears
i'm just gonna go in dressed in my normal clothes
probably be late by a bit
probably slack off a lot
and probably have another job that will pay me better
when the time comes

florence quit where lauren works
now lauren's gonna get shift leader
and fola will probably leave
which means i guess i could work there
if i really wanted to
i'd like to find something more fitted to me, though
wish i knew what job that'd be

i wonder if lauren paid any heed to what i posted
i know i was there while she read it
she really like the term gansta-ass anger fists
and i was right about the eye roll i predicted
she was about to before she read that
so yeah
but i didn't get beaten
which may mean she just dismissed what i said
it's ok, though
i don't wanna be beaten
i just would like to have things in my life be the way i'd like them to
instead of everything being planned out by lauren
which she seems fine with
though i think she's overlooking all the years in between
this apartment and the huge house she plans on having
you know, when she's a rich doctor of psychology

i think the blog is helping old dan come about
like, tossing honesty into the empty text box is helping
by the way, there was no vitriol. some debate.
the gansta-ass anger fists stayed in their holsters.
everything was ok.

i finished the reply to bob scott after several months.
so now he can reply to me, and then i can reply to him
as correspondences go

i should get ready for work at about 5-5:30
5:45-9, what the hell kinda crappy shift is that?
i mean, granted i hate it there, and i don't wanna be there long
but i'm never gonna get out of the drawer this way
and just about everyone else is the same
all crappy hours
cause we've got a million people working a department that takes 2
because they're cheap-ass bastards
they figure keeping everyone in the drawer
and having to give them minimum wage until they get out
and have to pay it all back
is better than the average 8 bucks an hour the people there used to get
and it gets them more money, so it's not gonna change
and everyone there is just gonna sit and rot
or get new jobs
which is what my "fuck this" filled time at sears will end with
because i just don't care
i don't get enough money to care
or to do anything for them except sell what i can
which i only do because it benefits me
in a very minor sense
VERY minor
if my paycheck tells me how much i made off what i sold
i'll probably let you all know just how minor

might just get to hang with chris tonight
hope to finagle some guinness out of it
not like he wants to drink too soon anyway
and lauren and i really
reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly
need a drink after work sometimes
especially her, but especially me
i mean, she works longer and gets beat up
but she also makes more, and loves what she does
me, i make nothing, get crap for hours, and hate my job
we both have some ok co-workers... some, much emphasis
and we both work with retards
(except only hers actually have developmental disabilities
the customers that come to sears are just idiots)
so yeah, we need guinness
and i'll try to get it from chris
and give his bloom county books back, as i finished them
almost as soon as i got them
because i didn't stop reading them for a couple days
and give him that register tape i snagged for him
cause they were just gonna throw it out otherwise

plus, i'm thinking we're getting tacos tonight
so i'll be buying his food
though i think i owe him one
hmm

well anyway...

later everyone.

alright, i knew some addendum would be attached to the last post
so here it is, before anyone has even read it but me
don't take it as me not loving lauren
i do
and she's not dishonest
(far from it)
so it's not like she's lying about any of her motives for what she wants
it's just, i don't think she really sees in herself what i'm talking about
she sees it all as truly her own intentions
and in part they are, but...
i'm not getting into it again just now
like i said, i'm done for tonight
i just wanted to clear things up.
sorry for any confusion or anything
it's just tricky to explain without things looking worse than they are
anyway, later.

ok. going to see dan today didn't happen.
see, there was this thing about me not going to bed
til about 5-something in the morning last night
and then lauren came home at 9-something
which meant me staying up for a little while
to rub back or neck or whatever the hell it was
til i just gave up, and slept on a blanket on the floor
there's just so many times you can stop and be asked to rub something new before you realize that the only way you're gonna get back to sleep is to just flop down on the floor and not be on the bed
i mean, it's not like i didn't care that she was achy or anything, but i was just not into the rubbing this morning

anyway, i've been trying to hang with chris
cause he's got guinness and i want the guinness
that, and i don't think we've hung out since the 4th
and that's a while, seeing as he lived with us for a week
and before and after that, we'd see him about every day
it's just since the whole whitney thing started
speaking of which, lauren don't wanna hang with him
because whitney said something
and i smell disaster coming
though i don't know what whit told lauren
so it could be just something else
but knowing the situation
and how whitney is with guys
i smell disaster

comission isn't going well
i may only sell a few hundred in a work day
which gets me next to nothing
but i'll see how it goes and then decide what to do

i think my romantic side might be peeking out again
it's gone into hiding since i started dating lauren
but maybe it'll come back
i'm slowly returning to the way i was before
which may mean reopened areas of creativity
which will be great, as i've done very little in the past months
i can't wait for it
(i can just picture lauren getting to this part and rolling her eyes
you know what?
bite me, sucka!)

lauren's weird
like, she refuses to change for anyone
and then she expects me to carve my life up
to fit the plan she's got for hers
and i love her
but fuck that
i mean, i've got my own plans
however loose they may be
i wanna write
i wanna be creative
i wanna have a really neat place
with really neat stuff in it
kinda like phil's apartment...
phil and ian's place gets at the idea
but my place would be different in a few ways
just because it'd be mine, and not phil and ian's

then of course, lauren wants to buy a house
and have everything done her way
and she'll probably read this
and probably say something like-
"i ask for your suggestions all the time"
(in reference to asking me which of the
5 lauren-designated curtain rod styles i would want
because she can't decide
just because i pick one out of the ones
you couldn't choose from doesn't make it my choice, you know?)
or maybe something about me not making any input
as to how i'd like it to be
(lauren likes to turn things around on you...
first thing, you'll be mad at her, then suddenly it's your fault)
perhaps if she hadn't decided how everything was going to be already, i would
but i got no chance now
i mean, i can maybe hope for one room in our next place
whatever and whenever that'll be
one all my own to do my writing in
or just chill, and have the way i want it
but whatever i did would probably have to go along with some
insane, plastic fantastic overall theme for the place
which would of course be of lauren's deciding
i wonder how many neat ideas i'd have
that she'd call retarded
(hint- all of them)

the whole plastic fantastic thing is her mother's doing
(plastic fantastic being my new term for the 50's mom
june cleaver sort of everything-is-perfect-ism that her mom puts up)
and lauren's gonna try to out-do her mom, as always
and she'll say she wants it because she wants it
but i think it's really some tired battle with her mom
and her mom's a bitch, so i can understand battling
but when it makes your decisions for you, i think it's time to chill
(realize by this time, if i'm here while lauren's reading it
i am being pummeled to death
either metaphorically with vitriol and debate
or with gansta-ass anger fists)

it's just...
sometimes (like right now)
i think there's more to lauren
a different one who ain't the rock hard avatar of whatever
and who wasn't cast in her mother's mold
and who has no need to out-do mommy
or prove she's the toughest rhino
i think that's probably a much happier lauren
too bad nobody will ever get to see her

but i'm not gonna let it drag me down
the real dan is coming through
to stand for all the things he stands for
and live what he is
(lauren just said "that's retarded, what do you mean?")
and be his own man
not cast in lauren's mold
or anyone else's

i don't wanna deconstruct lauren anymore for today
maybe another day we'll delve into it
but for now, i gotta get some laundry finished
and to my baby-
i love you. don't forget that.

later everybody.